The Road to Relationships

I had my first relationship when I was in high school. It was with a guy with whom I had been best friends for about three years. It was pretty much the definition of a romantic comedy because both friends decided they wanted to be together, and it just happened by chance and went so well for the duration of the relationship. I was devastated when we broke up ten months later, after a whirlwind of emotions. However, over time, I became comfortable with getting to know myself again and putting myself first.

I would not have another relationship again until I was 23, so roughly about 7-8 years later. Blame that on not finding the right person, blame it on me friend-zoning almost every guy I came into contact with, whatever you want to think but that’s pretty much how I was. In my final year of undergraduate study, I came face-to-face with the possibility of having a relationship, and its course skewed very differently than I was expecting. I was almost doubtful that I would find someone. Because this courtship was so different from my first one, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to get out of it or even how to approach it. This guy was dramatically different than my first one, who was basically my best friend and in those months pretty much the only person I wanted to spend time with. Although I am aware that your first love was, without a doubt, special, it does not prepare you for the adult relationships I have encountered since. Being single for as long as I was reshaped my mindset into being “I don’t really need someone around like that”. And, that’s not necessarily a good thing. I became almost too picky when it came to guys and forced myself to emotionally detach from people that I didn’t feel interested in. However, as time went on, I realized that wasn’t helping me in any way. As a result, at the beginning of my final year of college, I made this new mindset my best friend, and it would eventually lead me to my second “kinda” relationship. I thought it was normal for my second, genuine boyfriend—whom I wouldn’t even call a relationship—to go weeks without seeing me, texting me, or doing anything else. We both knew we had a strong connection when we first met, but as time went on, I felt less and less valuable and more like a good excuse for his drunken antics. I felt used, under-appreciated, and just powerless and this is coming from someone who usually likes to be in control of how things pan out.
I noticed this in about the fourth or fifth month of us “seeing” each other and slowly, started making a point not to go out of my way for him and it worked out because that situation wasn’t the best for me in the end.
I found my current boyfriend somewhere around six months later. And like so many other people in the dating universe, we met through an app. Funny enough, I was super against it but as I got to know him, I thought he was a great guy and wanted to spend more time with me. Now, this isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy our time together or how things are going, but this is the first “adult” relationship I had.

I haven’t had to respond to anyone or really consider my boyfriend’s feelings because I haven’t been in that kind of situation to be forced to do either of those things. It’s weird getting texts throughout the day from the same person that isn’t just your friend and it took some getting used to and now, it’s a routine. But, there are always times where I doubt if I deserve this kind of relationship or try to compare it to my other friends’ relationships. Although I am aware that this is a brand-new experience, it raises the question, “Am I doing this right?” Intimacy, care for one another, respect for boundaries, understanding, work-life harmony, friendship, and other aspects are all part of this relationship. It is the kind of relationship that forces you to be an adult, forces you to really build yourself a life and makes you a better person to be with. We’re about 5 months in now and it’s still going well, but there are often times where I have insecurities about myself and worrying about rocking the boat. However, at the end of the day, I have realized that open communication is essential and that keeping a secret can only harm the relationship. I’ve learned most importantly though out of all these experiences to put MYSELF first. Don’t revolve around the life of the other person because they want to have a life of their own that might not include you, and you have to be okay with that. Whether he’s going on a night out with the boys or spending time with his family, it’s important to be social, financially, emotionally, etc. independent. And somehow, from being single and independent, I learned to make a life for myself where my boyfriend can respect my needs and desires and support me to be the best version of myself for him and for the other people I surround myself with.