It’s hard not to think about your early relationships, whether they were good or bad. It would appear that each of them teaches you something about yourself and the world around you. I had my first relationship when I was in high school. It was with a guy with whom I had been best friends for about three years. It was pretty much the definition of a romantic comedy because both friends decided they wanted to be together, and it just happened by chance and went so well for the duration of the relationship. Fast forward to 10 months later and a whirlwind of emotions, we broke up and I was devastated.

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But over time, I got used to putting myself first and getting back to know myself. I would not have another relationship again until I was 23, so roughly about 7-8 years later. Blame that on not finding the right person, blame it on me friend-zoning almost every guy I came into contact with, whatever you want to think but that’s pretty much how I was. I was almost doubtful of me finding someone but in my final year of undergraduate studies, I came face-to-face with the possibility of having a relationship and its course skewed very differently than I was expecting. I didn’t know what I wanted to get out of this courtship or even how to approach it because it had so much of a different experience as compared to my first one. This guy was very different from my first one, who was basically my best friend and the only one I wanted to spend time with during those months. Although I am aware that your first love was, without a doubt, special, it does not prepare you for the adult relationships I have encountered since. As long as I was single, I changed my mindset to “I don’t really need someone around like that.” And that isn’t always a good thing. When it came to guys, I became almost too picky and had to emotionally distance myself from people I didn’t care about. However, as time went on, I realized that wasn’t helping me in any way. As a result, at the beginning of my final year of college, I made this new mindset my best friend, and it would eventually lead me to my second “kinda” relationship. I thought it was normal for my second, genuine boyfriend—whom I wouldn’t even call a relationship—to go weeks without seeing me, texting me, or doing anything else. We both knew we had a strong connection when we first met, but as time went on, I felt less and less valuable and more like a good excuse for his drunken antics. This is coming from someone who usually likes to be in charge of how things turn out: I felt used, undervalued, and powerless. I noticed this in about the fourth or fifth month of us “seeing” each other and slowly, started making a point not to go out of my way for him and it worked out because that situation wasn’t the best for me in the end.
About 6 months later is when I found my boyfriend now. We also met through an app, like so many other people in the dating world. Funny enough, I was super against it but as I got to know him, I thought he was a great guy and wanted to spend more time with me. Now, this isn’t to say that I don’t enjoy our time together or how things are going, but this is the first “adult” relationship I had. I haven’t had to answer to anybody or really think about my boyfriend’s feelings because I’ve just not been in that type of situation to have to do it. It’s weird getting texts throughout the day from the same person that isn’t just your friend and it took some getting used to and now, it’s a routine. However, there are always times when I try to compare this relationship to that of my friends or wonder if I deserve it. Although I am aware that this is a brand-new experience, it raises the question, “Am I doing this right?” This is a relationship that involves intimacy, care for one another, respect for boundaries, understanding, balance for work-life, friends, etc. It is the kind of relationship that forces you to be an adult, forces you to really build yourself a life and makes you a better person to be with. We’re about 5 months in now and it’s still going well, but there are often times where I have insecurities about myself and worrying about rocking the boat. However, at the end of the day, I have realized that open communication is essential and that keeping a secret can only harm the relationship.